Being the “Right Man”

My friend met with 2 of the 17 women authors of the book, “The Breakthrough Effect”. The 17 women authors chronicled their gut-wrenching, actual experiences of physical, emotional, and financial abuse, often starting from their wedding day, and continuing thereafter. The greatest source of abuse, common to most of their stories, was a bad choice of their first husband.

One of the common denominators of their “Breakthrough” to overcome their entrapment in an awful life, was their good selection of their second husband, the “Right Man”. My friend mused about the character traits of the “Right Man”. My friend relied on the sage insights of poets, inspirational leaders, and the Bible to construct the spine of attributes of the “Right Man”:

• A good start is with Kipling urging his son, “Being lied about, don’t deal in lies. Or, being hated, don’t give way to hating. Yet, don’t look too good, nor talk too wise.”
• Equally spot-on, is Emerson’s observation about “Success”: “Success is to laugh often and much. To earn the respect of intelligent people, and the affection of children. And to know, that even one life breathed easier, because you have lived.”
• That advice is congruent to Christ saying, “Love one another, as I (Christ) have loved you.” (Unconditionally.)

Likewise, Mother Theresa counter-intuitively advises,

“If you are honest, people may deceive you. Be honest anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of being selfish (manipulative). Be kind anyway.
All the good that you do will be forgotten by others tomorrow. Do good anyway.
What you create, others can destroy.Create anyway.
Because in the end, it’s between you and God.
It was never between you and anyone else. Anyway.”

The Lyrics of the Above YouTube Music Video Express the Essence of Being The Right Man

Rick Warren observed, “Life is not about you.

• After all, with one exception (you), the world is made up of others.”
• It’s not about the secular culture’s mantra of, “What’s in it for me?”
• It’s not the push-pull of Wall Street’s greed to satisfy Madison Avenue’s gratuitous wants.

Shakespeare smartly identifies the fruits of those poisonous trees, “Lives that strut and fret their hour upon the stage, to be heard no more”, and “Lives full of sound and fury, signifying, nothing.” Sadly, so many succumb to the self-absorbed Secular Culture, waking up so lost, in a place so dark.

The “Right Man” recognizes that he was made “In the image & likeness of God.” And that the Divine became human so that humanity can share in the Divine. Acceptance of that reality allows the Right Man:

• “To do more than what is expected of him”- Patton.
• “To be “The man in the arena, muddied & bloodied, whether he has won or lost, who is honored, and not the cold, timid soul on the side line, who has tasted neither victory, nor defeat.” – Teddy Roosevelt.
• “To watch the truth he’s spoken, twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools. And watch the things he gave his life to broken, yet stoop, and build them up with worn out tools.” – Kipling.

That’s the stuff the “Right Man” is made of.

The above YouTube music video lyrics express the gratitude for finding the Right Man: Strong. Supportive. Understanding. Loving.

All of those above traits form the spine of the “Right Man” who encourages his wife “To stand on mountains. To comfort her during stormy seas. To allow her to stand on his shoulders to be all that she can be.” – Josh Groban.

Ultimately, it’s his sharing of God’s Grace flowing through him to his wife, and family & friends, that elevates him to be the “Right Man”

The following YouTube music video captures the essence of a couple when the woman found the “Right Man”

“Esse Quam Videri” – “To be, rather than to appear.” Substance over Style. The Man: Strong & Supportive. The Woman: Trusting & Sharing.

Harmoniously Combine to be the Functional Definition of Love:

“I Found One Love”

It all began on New Year’s Eve 1970. My friend’s best friend, John, was dating Mary Jude. Mary Jude’s best friend & college roommate was Jane. John & Mary Jude arranged a blind, dinner-date for their friends, Paul & Jane, on New Year’s Eve.

When my friend, Paul, saw Jane sitting at the table, clearly, she was the most beautiful woman in the room. My friend can’t recall anything about that dinner date, except that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Jane.

Jane was reluctant to ever see Paul again. She was dating a guy who happened to be out of town. And there were plenty of other Stud Muffins willing to take that guy’s place. Paul’s relentless pursuit captured Jane’s heart.

Eventually, Jane’s reluctance became tolerance, then affection until she was dating Paul exclusively. Perhaps, Paul’s driving Jane to Chicago in his Mercedes Benz 280 SL, 2 seat convertible to see a play at the Schubert Theatre, with dinner & dancing at the Palmer House’s Mezzanine Ballroom, to a 9-piece band. And then returning to Paul’s 6th floor, professionally furnished apartment, overlooking Lake Michigan, with a Baby Grand Piano in the corner, might have enhanced their relationship.     

Jane’ affection was increasing without limit, until Aug. 1971, when she moved to Ponte Vedra, FL (Jane’s favorite place on earth). Jane and Mary Jude accepted an offer to teach school in Jacksonville, FL. The separation of 1,200 miles was No Deterrent to my friend. He flew down to see Jane once a month, on weekends.

Paul needed Jane’s love. He hungered for her touch. Paul prayed, “For God to speed her love to me.” “I need your love. Are you still mine?'” Jane replied, “Oh, My Love. My Darling. I’ll be coming home. Wait for me.”

He would follow-up his visits with daily phone calls and weekly letters, which included Shakespearean sonnets. He had to separate himself from the herd of hard-body, beach boys, swirling around Jane. My friend reminded Jane “To Save the Last Dance” for him.

During those monthly visits and weekly phone calls & letters, Jane “Saved the Last Dance” for my friend.

When his apartment lease expired, my friend bought a 2-story, 3-bedroom, brick home, with a natural fireplace, plaster walls, and a finished downstairs “Rec Room”, before they were engaged. He sent Jane pictures & room descriptions. Jane’s Uncle Bob & Aunt Joan, along with Mary Jude, told Jane that this guy is serious, or crazy.

Jane returned home in December for Christmas. My friend offered to take Jane from the airport to her parent’s home, an hour out of town. When he saw Jane exit the airplane ramp, Paul had a major out of-body experience. He was oblivious to everything. He heard sounds, not words.

A “Pretty Woman” will do that to a man:

When they were walking in the concourse to the baggage area, my friend felt a ring-box in his pocket. (He got it after work that day). My friend had planned a wonderful engagement proposal for the Sunday before Christmas, at the Les Cargot restaurant, where they first met. Jane loved their Sunday Brunch, Eggs Benedict.  The morning sunlight would be glistening atop the Lake Michigan waves. You could gaze beyond the horizon and dream, dreams.

When brunch was nearly over, my friend would stand up to his then, 6’ 3 “- 205 lbs. frame, and kneel down on one knee next to Jane’s chair. When presenting her with an exquisite, dazzling ring, he would say, “Jane, would you give me the best Christmas gift now, and for the rest of my life, by marrying me?” If Jane said, “Yes”, they would kiss, to a roomful of brunch patron’s applause.

(Paul would softly sing that song into Jane’s ear when they danced.)

That romantic scene evaporated at the airport. Instead, he shoved his hand with the ring-box in front of Jane, and said, “Here”. The next thing he knew, is that they were sitting in Jane’s parent’s living room, with Jane showing them the sparkling ring on her finger, saying, “We’re engaged”.

Paul could not help falling in Love with Jane – wanting to give her his Whole Life, too.

On May 6^th 1972, they vowed, “To love each other for the rest of their lives.”

 

The Above Music Video Expresses this Blog Post’s Message about: Paul & Jane’s Love

Post Script

Unknown to Jane, my friend made 3 additional, silent vows on their wedding day:

• He vowed to find a place where she’d be safe, where nothing & no one could harm her.
• He vowed to make her life breathe easier, because she chose him.    
• He prayed for God to hold her in the palm of God’s hand.

But Time changes everything. During the inevitable: “For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness or in health”, one thing remained the same: Jane Loved Paul. Jane’s heart & soul were even more spectacular than her physical beauty.

So, my friend’s toast at their 45^th Wedding Anniversary was: “In this lonely world, I found One Love. I have always loved you, Jane.  And always will. Happy Anniversary.” (Kiss)

Paul & Jane just celebrated their 50th Wedding Anniversary…and counting.

The Relationship Between Mothers & Sons

My friend was approached by some mothers after a Bible study session for advice on dealing with their sons. The mothers wanted to protect their sons from destructive behaviors. The sons were non responsive to their efforts. The mothers were distraught and desperate. My friend’s advice follows:

Mothers are hard-wired to protect their children. They especially want to protect their sons from the bad consequences of rash decisions and reckless behavior. Unfortunately, there are many 3^rd party bad influences over which mothers have no control. So mothers worry. And sons cause heartache.

Mothers try all sorts of things to remedy the situation. They give good, sound, practical advice which is mostly ignored. Their pleas for their sons to care about their mothers, as their mothers care for them, fall on deaf ears. Their demands that their son obey the mother who gave them birth and nurtured them all their life is met with unappreciative indifference. Mothers’ threats are hollow and ineffective. What’s a mother to do?

LET GO. Birds learn to fly when pushed from the nest. More relevant is the butterfly extracting itself from the cocoon. It’s painful to watch the butterfly struggle to emerge from the cocoon. The urge is to help the butterfly by pulling it away from the cocoon’s sharp edges, and end its painful struggle. Yet, that assistance damages the butterfly for the rest of its life. It’s the struggle that strengthens the butterfly to endure its life outside the cocoon. Those not strengthened by the struggle fall victim to natural predators. Sons, like butterflies, need to struggle as they emerge from home, as painful as it is to watch, to be a man.

The process to become a man has no set timetable. Some sons take more time than others. St. Monica prayed over 30 years for her son to end being a drunk & carouser and become the man – St. Augustine, a premier theologian of all time. Unfortunately, mothers have their own timetable when things should happen for their sons. That also causes worry and heartache for mothers. Again, mothers need to Let Go – of their expectations.

The Above YouTube Music Video Expresses the Wisdom of “Letting Go”

My friend learned the lesson of letting go of expectations years ago. He got out of the “Outcome” business, because there were too many uncontrollable, unforeseeable 3^rd party influences on outcomes to control. He now only spends time in the “Effort” business, which he can control, and leave the outcomes to the Providence of God. The distinction is the difference between Psalms 22 & 23.

Psalm 22 laments, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” Psalm 23 asserts, “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall no want.” It’s the difference between relentless anxiety and comforting peace.

• Belief – that your son was made in the image and likeness of God – helps.
• Trust – that God is sovereign over all things – helps.
• Hope – that God’s providence and grace are sufficient to protect and guide your son – helps.

But most of all, God so loved your son, that he sent His Son, so that if your son believes in Him, he will not perish, but have eternal life.

God’s Love for your son trumps all other concern and control.

For practical guidance from this day to that, I suggest that mothers give their sons the poem “If”, by Rudyard Kipling. (The blog post “If – with Biblical Similarities is the Most Popular – Most Read – of All the blog posts) My friend gave that poem to his sons upon their graduation from high school & college, and again on their wedding day. (He reads it every once and a while for his own benefit.)

He also gave the mothers “Words to Live By”, a list of insightful, inspiring quotes from famous people. (The compete list of “Words to Live By”can be found in the “Archive” section, on the right-side of the Home Page, in October 2019.)

Mothers should also consider giving their sons the book, “The Seven Seasons of the Man in the Mirror” by Patrick Morley, to help them understand the process of becoming a man.

Most of all, be still your hearts. Trust God’s Love for your son, through the Gift of Grace.

A Family’s Enduring Friendship with a Stranger

Forty years ago, my friend got a phone call from a stranger about a week before Christmas. The stranger said that he played “Santa” for my friend’s next-door neighbor’s kids. Her kids had grown, and there is no need for “Santa” anymore. She thought that your kids might like “Santa” to visit them on Christmas Eve.My friend replied that he wanted to check with his neighbor, and then call him back.

The neighbor said that he was a phenomenal “Santa”. He would call a few days before Christmas, and ask about things for a “Naughty & Nice” list. Things that the kids thought no one knew about. He also asked that one gift for each person would be put into a large, plastic, garbage bag, which would be placed outside, behind the shrubs, near the front door. He would put that bag inside his white cloth Santa sack of gifts. Her kids loved him.

When my friend called “Santa” back, he was given the same set of instructions. My friend asked what he charged for doing this. “Santa” replied, “Nothing”. He explained that his wife had died, and his children were grown and gone. He just wanted to make one family happy at Christmas. My friend asked, “But what about celebrating Christmas with your other relatives and friends?” “Santa” said that he was Jewish.

My friend said, “Please come”, and thanked him profusely. When the door-bell rang on Christmas Eve, there stood in the doorway a Magnificent, Jolly, “Santa” bellowing, “Ho. Ho. Ho. Merry Christmas”, as he walked into their home with a large, white sack on his back. (He made the Santa in the “Miracle on 34th Street” look like an imposter.) Time stood still for a moment. Then, everyone excitedly welcomed “Santa’ into their Living Room. My friend gestured for “Santa” to sit in in the large, comfortable wing-chair, by the grandfather clock. The excitement in the room was palpable.

Dad was first to sit on “Santa’s” lap. The kids squealed in delight when “Santa” told dad about a “Naughty” thing he did last year. When “Santa said that dad was nice most of the time, his wife laughed a bit too loud. “Santa” gave dad a gift that he said he always wanted. And so it went throughout the evening – laughs & smiles – gifts & gratitude – hugs & kisses. It was a Christmas Eve like no other. When the sack was empty, “Santa” stood, and said, “Ho. Ho. Ho. Merry Christmas” as he walked to the door. (My friend handed “Santa” an envelope with a “Gift” for whomever “Santa” chose.) Their eyes met. Nothing was said. But both men parted with lighter hearts.

Year after year, as the family grew with 2 more children, “Santa” was always spot-ion with his “Naughty & Nice” list, much to the delight of everyone, but the person on “Santa’s” lap. Until the phone rang a month before Christmas, and “Santa” told my friend that his company transferred him to a city 1,000 miles away. “Santa” couldn’t come to his home that Christmas Eve, or ever again. The silence seemed like an eternity before my friend said, “You brought more joy to our home than you can imagine. You are a kind & loving man. I hope my children grow up to become like you. God Bless.” There were several sobs, before the phone “clicked”.

The mood at the family dinner table that night was like a friend had died. “Santa” was a stranger. No one ever saw his “real” face. No one even knew his name. Yet, every Christmas Eve, “Santa” brought a “Gift of Love” to the family that couldn’t fit into his large, white, cloth sack. Every Christmas Eve since something was missing.

The above YouTube music video expresses my friend’s family “Dream” for seeing “Santa”, one more time.

One Autumn day, my friend was walking through a restaurant, when he heard someone call out his name. He turned, but didn’t recognize anyone. “It’s me. Santa.” It was the first time that my friend saw “Santa’s” real face. They talked for a while, catching up on what happened since “Santa” left. Then my friend asked if “Santa” could come to his home for Christmas Eve. There was an awkward silence. My friend continued, “My wife’s mother had immensely enjoyed “Santa’s” visits. However, her health was failing after her 2nd heart valve replacement in 10 years, (The 1st was “Experimental”) This might be her last Christmas. “Santa” nodded that he would come. He would need the usual information about everyone there.

My friend’s wife couldn’t contain herself. She was like a giddy school girl. Her mother shared her glee. They both got on the phone Her mother inviting her sons. His wife inviting neighbors from previous Christmas Eves. The list of “Naughty & Nice” would boggle Einstein’s mind. When the door bell rang that Christmas Eve, a house-full of family & friends rushed to the front door.

My friend composed himself, and quieted the mob. But, when the front door opened, all hell broke loose. You could barely hear “Santa” say, “Ho. Ho. Ho. Merry Christmas.” My friend’s Mother-in-Law was the first to sit on “Santa’s” lap. There was Nothing “Naughty” for “Santa” to tell her.

The above YouTube music video expresses the Courage & Character of my friend’s Mother-in-law, that Santa acknowledged:

Instead, “Santa” said, “Florence, you are the most remarkable person to ever sit on my lap. Fifteen years ago, you had the courage to survive the experimental “Pig-Valve” replacement heart surgery. Then 5 years ago, you gracefully endured a 2nd heart valve replacement surgery, as the 1st valve was tearing away from your heart. But there’s no need to replace the Loving Devotion that you have for your family in your heart.” I cannot give you a better gift, than you being surrounded by your 3 children, 4 grandchildren, and a roomful of genuine friends who wish you, “Merry Christmas”, after sharing a lifetime of God’s Love with all of them.

The room erupted with a joyous “Merry Christmas” that rivaled the heavens & shepherds singing at the 1st Christmas in Bethlehem. The Rockefeller Center “Tree Lighting Ceremony” pales in comparison.

It took hours for everyone to sit on “Santa’s” lap. One neighbor had tears rolling down his cheeks when “Santa” told him that because he was a “Scotsman”, he would enjoy playing St. Andrews in the summer. The neighbor was flabbergasted. And so it went for the rest of the night, until “Santa” told everyone their “Naughty & Nice” story, and gave them a gift. They treasured “Santa” more than their gift.

“Santa” kissed my friend’s mother-in-law on the cheek when he left. Her smile spoke volumes of joy. She died a week later. Perhaps, St. Peter was wearing a “Santa” outfit when he welcomed Florence into heaven.

So, Florence now rests in the palm of God’s hand.

That “Stranger” was more than a “Santa”, he was a “Good Samaritan” sharing the Spirit of God’s Love on Christmas.